Chapter 46: The Love of Sleeping Together

Let us speak for a moment about women.

From birth, women are intimately entwined with pathology. Heavy chains envelop their bodies. From their fingernails to the ends of their hair, they are adorned in the makeup of death, like mummies. Freedom is denied them, and they are pitied by others. Unable to be free, they find joy in themselves. The long-skirted gowns are impregnable fortress walls. Deep within the wide-open gates of that castle, there exists only a maiden or a demonic trap. She finds others’ secrets as sweet as honey. This is a woman.

The above is what Hao Ren once used to satirize a certain literary young woman. But at this very moment, Hao Ren faced the little bloodsucking angel in his hand, stained with menstrual blood, utterly at a loss.

Knock, knock, knock—someone was tapping on the bathroom door where Hao Ren was hiding.

“Are you on Team Pad, or Team Tampon?” a female voice called from outside, suppressing laughter.

“Get lost!” Hao Ren, possessed by the spirit of a comic strip berserker, roared back, but the outburst was sharp and unmistakably feminine.

Inside the dimensional space, Saeko and the others, unable to leave, were laughing so hard they were rolling on the floor, their abs nearly cramping from mirth.

Hao Ren felt deep regret for ever mocking the girls for those few days every month.

Here’s how it happened.

This time, Hao Ren was entering an advanced instance. His abilities had improved rapidly, reaching the standard of an intermediate game player, though he hadn’t yet earned the title. Excited, Hao Ren arrived beneath the glowing sphere of the main brain at the appointed time.

A familiar wave of dizziness struck, and Hao Ren found himself in a Japanese-style house.

Instance Name: “Love Plan”

Instance Difficulty: D
Instance Type: Task
Instance Players: Unknown
Main Quest: Complete a couple’s ritual with at least one summoned creature within 30 days. The more rituals a player completes, the better the end rewards. Any male player who fails to complete at least one ritual within the time limit will be cursed with “Eternal Virginity” and “Never Rising Again.” Female players will be cursed with “Dark Wood Ear” and “Purple Grape.”
Task Hint: All summoned creatures are temporarily sealed, game items are sealed, personal attributes are reduced to those of an ordinary adult, and all skills except a few special abilities are sealed.
Task Hint: Numerous unclaimed summoned creatures will invade the instance.
Task Hint: Both parties must be fully willing; any resistance means ritual failure.
Task Hint: Each player has three chances to initiate a ritual; exceeding this limit triggers the “Tired, Never Loving Again” curse.
Task Hint: Incidental summoned creatures may also perform rituals; those who succeed will be promoted to player status.
Task Hint: Incidental summoned creatures’ abilities are not sealed.
Task Hint: Rituals are unrestricted—heterosexual, gay, yuri, multiparty, human and beast, all are allowed.

After reading this long string of hints, Hao Ren’s burning heart immediately chilled.

This was packed with malice from the main brain.

“Oh~~ this seems pretty interesting.” A familiar male voice reached Hao Ren’s ears.

Silver hair, kimono, eternally dead fish eyes, and that universally sold wooden sword.

Gintoki Sakata, picking his nose.

“Gin-chan, what’s a couple, aru?” Kagura, the bun-headed Chinese girl hugging a big dog, smeared her nose pickings onto Gintoki’s clothes.

Not far from Hao Ren, a television was broadcasting the news.

“Currently in Edo, a game called ‘Love Together’ for the 4DS is extremely popular. The unique feature of this love simulation is that in-game time syncs with real life. Turn it on in the morning, and it greets you with ‘Good morning’; at night, it says ‘Good night.’ Because the game is so realistic, many young men in Edo cannot tear themselves away from their tiny virtual lovers…”

“Hey, if you can’t distinguish game from reality, and your life gets consumed, you’ll never get a real girlfriend. Isn’t that right, Miss White?” The haggard bespectacled Shinpachi Shimura spoke to his 4DS.

On the 4DS screen, the kimono-clad girl smiled.

...

What kind of scene was this?

Hao Ren, Gintoki, and Kagura stared blankly, speechless.

Wasn’t this just a high-tech electronic pet? Why the obsession?

Hao Ren had a premonition that his morals would take a serious hit on this instance journey.

By the way, this task map was entirely composite, with iconic locations, buildings, and characteristics from various anime appearing. For example, the dojo Hao Ren was currently in belonged to the “Gintama” area, but by hopping on the bullet train, you could enter the adjacent “School Days” area…

“I wish we could share some of our happiness with them,” said Shinpachi, holding a strawberry cake up to his screen and saying, “Ah~~.”

“Ah~~” Miss White on the screen opened her mouth in concert.

“I feel like we’re interrupting them; let’s withdraw for now.” Gintoki signaled Hao Ren with frantic eye gestures.

“Sister Otae, I’ll withdraw as well,” Hao Ren said, seizing the opportunity to stand and escape the place.

Hao Ren’s current setting was as a temporary worker for the Odd Jobs shop.

“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?” Sister Otae grabbed Gintoki’s silver hair and began pummeling him.

With his physical attributes drastically lowered, Hao Ren broke into a cold sweat and hurried back to his seat, sitting up straight.

Forced Side Quest: “My Wife, World’s Greatest Martial Arts Tournament.” Participate in the tournament and achieve first place, making Shinpachi face reality. Reward for completion: a special 4DS edition “Love Together.” Failure penalty: permanent haunting by the phantom of Miss White.

Hao Ren’s blue snot almost reached his mouth. Back in the day, he’d been forced by his mother to watch endless reruns of “Family Warmth.”

Eternal haunting by the motherly phantom—he’d rather be erased outright, at least that would be merciful.

“Your brother, where has he gone? It looks like he’s been swallowed by some dimensional rift between game and reality,” Gintoki, still insisting on sarcasm during a beating, you have my sympathy.

Hao Ren made the sign of the cross.

“He suddenly said he’d introduce his girlfriend to me, and then pulled out that thing, and ever since it’s been like this.” Sister Otae wiped her tears as the battered heap on the floor was Gintoki.

Hao Ren glanced at Shinpachi’s oddly glazed eyes and shivered.